I woke up yesterday to a text from an old friend saying: “Stephanie, I’m so glad to see you SO HAPPY – your facebook posts are BEAMING SUNSHINE!!!”
And I was actually MORTIFIED to hear that.
It’s not that I don’t genuinely feel VERY intense joyful emotions. Regularly. And pretty much daily. BUT… there’s lots more happening behind-the-scenes…
It made me realize that I only share one SMALL aspect of myself here — the part of me that was “acceptable” as a kid: My Sunshiny-side. (And honestly, I’m befuddled sometimes as to how to share those other aspects of myself in the facebook arena — especially when I’m not the biggest fan of facebook, anyway…)
I just happen to be built with a personality that feels emotions VERY VERY deeply. INTENSELY. The highs, and the lows… And while I’m relatively an open book if you ask me directly what I’m going through, there’s far less than a handful of people on the planet to actually get to WITNESS my less-than-happy, ultra-raw side.
In actuality, I’m experiencing the BIGGEST healing transformation of my entire adult life this year — especially over the past few months.
It’s hard-core at many moments. But I made a vow in January to feel all my feelings. To FINALLY focus on loving and accepting myself completely. To be on my own side. Even if I suck at it. Or stumble. Or make choices that people I love may not understand.
I must admit, it’s proving to be the most STRANGELY REWARDING time of my entire adult life (and that’s saying a LOT!)…. but that “reward” comes from spending HOURS sobbing on the floor in fetal position. Almost daily. Diving straight into my deepest core childhood wounds. Letting life’s heartbreak drag me right down into the very center of my deepest and earliest memories of despair, abandonment, rejection and loneliness.
ALL THAT is a huge part of my reality, too.
So, I want to apologize to ANYONE who might have ever (or will ever) read my posts, and assume that my life is nothing but sunshine, puppy dogs and pooping rainbows…
I’m most definitely 100% human. And a massive work in progress… just like anyone else. Never forget it.
